Whale Watching!

So since we have been in Japan we have mainly just been trying to learn our way around.  We have managed to do a little sight seeing in the process and we definitely hope to do more here very soon now that the weather has warmed up and the sun is shining.  One adventure we tackled was whale watching.  My husband actually stayed home with our youngest because she was not old enough to go.  So that  meant me and the older 2.  We woke up way before our usual time in order to catch the boat but it was well worth it.  I knew my son would love it and I figured my daughter would at least enjoy it a little if nothing else.  We had a great time and saw plenty of whales.  These were humpback whales.  I have seen Orcas off the coast of Washington state when we were stationed there and that was pretty cool too!  Anyway, we ended our outing with a trip to the ER though which was kind of a bummer but all is well.  My son actually tripped while trying to walk on the boat (it was extremely rocky) as we were heading back to shore and busted his head open on a pair of binoculars.  He was such a trooper about it all and I am so proud of him for being so strong and such a big boy.  I, on the other hand was a mess inside even though I appearred calm, cool, and collected on the outside!  It took everything I had at moments to keep the tears back.  Enjoy the video clip of some of our adventure! 

The Newbies

As much as I love meeting new people and consider myself a social person, I am struggling right now big time.  With this move to Japan came a lot of new experiences and changes that I am somewhat familiar with and others I am not.  I am used to meeting new people but normally when I am introduced to these new people I already have someone there I know.  This time around I am meeting a ton of new people but I don't know anyone!  I am making a point to talk to several of the other women and moms who wait at the bus stop with the children, I go to the park and talk to woman there, and I am always looking for new opportunities to present themselves where I could possibly meet new friends.  Not having much luck in that department right now.  I also want my children to meet friends and have playmates that they enjoy spending time with.  This is our first time living on base and we are surrounded by families, you wouldn't think this would be hard.  However, most of these kids are older and do not want to play with my children who they look at and call babies.  There is one little boy in the neighborhood who will knock on our door and ask if my kids can come play during the day, he is a year older than my oldest, but when we see him at the park he tells my son he doesn't want to play with him and he isn't his friend.  It absolutely breaks my heart to see the hurt in my son's face when he hears this.  He comes to me and tells me no body likes him and he is sad.  I just want to cry for him.  My son is the sweetest, most thoughtful, funny, outgoing little boy.  I hate it when other kids are so mean to him. 

I just miss my nearest and dearest friends back in the states.  I miss being able to just pick up the phone and talk to them.  I don't always have that luxury here since we are 15 hours ahead and our nights and days don't match up.  I miss the comfort that comes from the warmth of a good friends's home with out the worries of how your appearance is for the day.  I miss the last minute lunch dates and my kids loving their play time at the park with their friends.  Don't get me wrong, I have truly enjoyed being here and there is still so much to do and see and I am so grateful we were given this opportunity, but to be honest, I hate being the newbie!  It downright sucks! 

Love is just too weak of a word

I always have such vivid, real, detailed dreams while pregnant.  They are usually something that pulls at my heartstrings or really make me question myself at times.  A few nights ago I had a dream that I left my sleeping kids in the car while I went in shopping with my mom.  All of a sudden it dawned on me that I didn't have my kids with me.  The complete fear and dread that washed over me in my dream was so overwelming.  I took off in a dead sprint to get to my babies as fast as I could.  They seemed to be a million miles away and it was taking me forever to get there.  Then once I got there I realized I left my keys with my mom and I had to run all the way back across the mall to get them.  I did finally get to my car and my kids were ok but I just couldn't bare to think of their reaction when they woke up and realized I was no where to be found or worse yet, they weren't ok.  Then last night I had a dream that my husband told me he was leaving me with no explaination at all.  He just left.  He wouldn't talk to me or have anything to do with me.  I finally cornered him and told him I deserved an explaination.  He was really hesitant and didn't want to tell me.  He finally murmured it out that he thought I was a terrible mother to our children and that he just couldn't be married to me anymore.  Leading up to this I had believed whole heartedly that he just needed some space and he would come back.  But when he finally said those words it hit me like a ton of bricks, it literally knocked the wind out of me.  And I knew in that moment that he was never coming back.  It was so gut wrenching and heart breaking!  In real life my husband has always told me that he knew when he met me that I would make a great mother and that was one of the reasons he wanted to marry me.  He knew he wanted several children.  So in my dream I just kept thinking back to that conversation and asking him why he hadn't been honest with me.  He always tells me I am the best mother in the world and that our children are so lucky to have me as their mommy.  All I could think was why would he tell me that when he didn't really believe it?  It was during that moment that all of these thoughts came rushing in my head.  It only made me realize that I had failed miserably at letting my husband and my children know just how much I loved them.  But I kept getting frustrated because I knew in my heart that the word LOVE was too weak of a word to describe how I truly felt for them.  I couldn't find the right word, a strong enough word that would convey to him and my children how much they meant to me and how sorry I was that I let them down. 

So I wake up from this dream and cannot go back to sleep.  All I wanted to do was go get my babies and hold them and somehow make them see how much I love them and what I would do for them.  I wanted to wake my husband and do the same.  I didn't do either, I just lay there wide awake and feeling so overwelmed with this dream that felt so real.  My husband woke up this morning for work and the first thing he did was roll over, kiss my forehead, and tell me I was his best friend!  Now he tells me this often but little did he know how comforting those words were for me at that moment.  I told him my dream and he just hugged me and told me he was never going anywhere and he truly DOES believe I am the best mommy ever!  See?  How do I tell this man how much I love him?  Love is just too weak of a word! 

Upset

I have about a million things I want to blog about but right now I just need to get something off my chest.  I do not know what has happened to me.  I used to pride myself on having the patience of an angel.  Now I lose my patience at the drop of a hat.  I feel like I cannot control the frustration that builds in me and then all of a sudden I just snap.  I HATE this!  I have tears streaming down my face as I type this.  I don't know why I feel this way.  I don't know if it is pregnancy hormones, stress.  I don't know.  We have been through a lot these last few months.  Reuniting with my husband after a long 7 month deployment, packing up our house in preparation for our move, living out of suitcases for 2 1/2 months essentially homeless, making the long trip tp Japan, finding out we are expecting baby #4, emercing ourselves in a completely different culture and trying to get settled at our new home here in Okinawa.  I am pretty sure that list includes a lot of the top life stressors.  I just feel this pressure to always be strong for my family, to always stay calm, cool and collected.  I am never allowed to vent my stress or frustrations or at least I feel that way.  My children have been absolutely terrible behavior wise and sleeping wise since we landed here.  I am trying to be understanding that they are experiencing a lot of changes right now, their worlds as they have always known  them to be have been turned upside down.  But sometimes I just want them to freaking do what they are told period!  I rarely had this problem before this move and now they can't seem to listen or do anything I tell them to do the first time they are told.  Sleeping it beyond ridiculous!  All of my children have been amazing sleepers and have been since they were all 2 months old.  Since arriving here, they don't seem to know what sleep is.  They are refusing to nap which leads to extremely fussy and whiny children for the majority of the day.  I get to tired of hearing blood curdling screams from my middle one over the most minor things, my youngest has been have an awful go of teething since before we left the states and it continues even now.  My husband is extremely helpful in all areas of the house so I will not complain about him at all.  However, he has no idea what it means to be with our children 24/7 with no breaks, listening to the unending whining, crying, and the battling to get them to do anything.  He gets his sane hours from it all, he goes to work everyday from 7-5ish and then he gets to come home and be fun, super dad who is really quick to give them a treat without asking me how their day has gone and then he runs off to the gym for an hour or more every evening as well.  Where is my break from the insanity?!  And no, going to the grocery store with no kids doesn't count, that is something that has to be done. 

Anyway, I just don't want my lack of patience and emotions right now to affect my relationship with my children!  I love them more than anything in this world!  I just feel like I am the worst mommy ever and I can't seem to fix it.  This all came about with this last deployment and it seems I can't run away from it.  Kind of a sucky post but I had to get these feelings out somewhere.  I promise more appealing post coming very soon.  I just need to get myself together right now.

Family Time!!

We are finally in New York relaxing with family!  It is so nice to have this down time with each other.  After the crazy that followed Thanksgiving with the movers and packing, I am not taking this time for granted.  The hubs and I even got to have a date night at Toy R Us! HAHA My in-laws kept the kids for us to we could go to dinner and do some Christmas shopping.  We went to The Melting Pot and then to do our shopping.  It was fun!  Next week starts the arrival of the rest of the family and then of course Christmas.  We are celebrating both my daughter's birthdays as well.  I am beginning to worry a tad about all of the gifts under the tree.  How are we going to get all of this stuff to Japan with us?!!  I guess we will just need to mail them all to our new address there in Japan and they will be there waiting on us when we get there.  Lots of changes taking place and so much up in the air.  SO many unknowns right now.  Makes me a little nervous seeing how I am such a planner and like to be organized.  I am starting to embrace this new sense of adventure though.  I know I will not regret stepping out of my comfort zone and taking advantage of this opportunity for our family.  I truly cannot wait to tell of our experiences!  I know they will be wonderful!  But right now I am enjoying all of this family time with nowhere to be and no commitments!!

Latest and greatest

So clearly I have been super busy and haven't really had the time to post!  I will have to load pictures and all of that jazz at a later date but for now I just wanted to let you know that I have not fallen off the face of the planet.  The hubs made it home and we are so thrilled to be back together as a family.  I knew once he got home that we would be running around crazy trying to get ready for our move to Japan.  I was not wrong in my assumption.  I have been going through things, organizing, making list, separating and doing inventory of everything in our home.  We also had Thanksgiving in there for which we drove a 21 hour drive to spend it with family.  It wound up taking us 2 1/2 days to get home.  The movers were at our house the day after we got home to pack up our house.  We are currnetly living in a hotel until our final packout on Friday.  Then we are either heading to Disney World for a few days or heading to NY.  Yesterday was not a fun day at all!  I woke up feeling like I had the flu and the movers were at the house all day long.  Thankfully I had a friend to pick the kids up from preschool and take them until they left.  Then the hubs comes home from work and is having trouble breathing and has abdominal pain.  He ended up in the emergncy room trying to figure out what was going on.  He left 6 hours later with no anwers.  Mean while I am stuck in the hotel room with 3 little ones who are full of endless energy and still feeling like complete crap.  I really hope the rest of this journey goes a little more smoothly.  If nothing else, I would really prefer no more sickness so we can function to full capacity.  So as of today, our household goods are on their way to Japan, we are living in a hotel room, and we still have one more packout to go before we leave town for good.  I will post as much as I can throughout this whole process.  There will be a point where I have no internet or phone or any connection to family until we get situated once in Japan but hopefully that will be short lived.  There you have it ladies and gentlemen, the latest and greatest in our lives!

Veterans Day

Just taking a moment to thank ALL of our Veterans!  The sacrifices they make/made are priceless and are truly a selfless act.  The freedoms we enjoy in the USA absolutely do not come free.  They sometimes come at the ultimate price.  I am so incredibly thankful they are willing to put themselves out there for my family and I.  For that I thank you from the bottom of my heart!  A special thank you to my favorite veteran, my hubby!  We are so lucky to call you our husband, father, and protector!!  You are my ultimate hero!!  I love you babe!

Feeling pretty blessed!

Today I have a lot to be thankful for.  Not just today, but everyday really.  I am feeling rather blessed today though, because my husband just informed me that he is planning a trip to NYC for us when he gets home and before we leave for Japan.  He told me he had worked things out with his parents to keep the kids and we were heading to the city for a couple of days.  The rest is a secret.  I am so excited!  I love going to the city.  But what I love even more is "dating" my husband!  I love and adore my children more than my next breath but after being with them 24/7 with no help for the last 7/8 months, I am ready for a mini break to rejuvinate myself.  The thought of spending a few days with my best friend, soul mate and partner in crime makes me giddy!!  I love him so much!  I do not take this man for granted!!  He is of a rare breed and I thank God for him every. single. day!  Now I really cannot wait for him to come home!!   

Roads worth traveling

As I drive the same roads that I have driven for that past 3 years, I am suddenly reminded that in a very short period of time I will no longer be driving them.  It makes me sad that I won't be passing over the drawbridge to meet the girls for breakfast every Wednesday morning, or the long stretch of road boardered by the oh so tall pines that lead to my best friend, or even the road that leads "home".  There is nothing special about the town we live in, no big shopping malls, museums, professional sport arenas.  Just a typical military town with the extremely loud sound of the jets passing over.  But this little town has been our "home" for the last 3 years and we have come to love it here.  We have made some amazing friends that will stand the test of time and it is those friends that make this place our home and so special.  I know chances are we will end up back here but goodbyes are never easy.  Because you know when you return, nothing will have remained as it was.  So as I am driving through I will take it all in and remember with fond memories our time spent in this place we call "home".   I have no doubt that our new place of residence will also leave a lasting impression and we will be just as sad to move on from there as well.  It's the roads that we travel daily that create the map of our lives and that make up the story of our lifetime.  Make sure they are roads worth traveling!  I know we sure have!

Restaurant Tasting Tour

I got together with a few ladies yesterday for a day of down time!  My brother-in-law came to the house to keep all 3 kiddos for me so that I could have a relaxing day with the girls.  We headed to Raleigh to do a walking wine/gourmet food tasting tour of some local restaurants.  It was amazing!  We had a fabulous time and there was something for everyone's liking.  After the tour we hit the mall for some shopping too.  I think I finally made it home at midnight and let my head hit the pillow.  My babies even slept in a little this morning!  I am so grateful to my brother-in-law for giving me the opportunity to get away for a bit and be "me" instead of mommy!  I sometimes forget who that is anymore.  Enjoy the pics!

 First Stop was Mecca:

 Second stop Dos Taquitos Centro:

 Third stop Crema:

 Fourth stop Draft Carolina Burgers and Beers:

 Fifth stop Solas:

 Sixth stop The Raleigh Wine Shop:

 And the final stop for dessert The Cupcake Shoppe:

Critters!!

I am so tired of all of the critters that my house seems to attract!  I mean seriously it is a magnet for all things creepy crawly!  The list includes but is subject to be added to: lizards (the favorite), snakes (we're up to about 8 now 2 of which were actually in the house), birds, frogs, palmetto bugs (otherwise known as roaches in my book), mice (thankfully only in the garage), spiders, and ants oh my!  And don't you know these critters never decide to come for a visit when my husband is home so he can do the dirty work!  Oh no, we can't have that.  I guess maybe they think I am lonely and need some company or something to do, not sure, but trust me when I say I have plenty to keep me busy!  I can handle just about all of the above mentioned except the snakes!  I don't appreciate them making themselves at home IN my home or IN my garage!  In fact it wouldn't hurt my feelings at all if I never saw another one again for as long as I live!  I promise you too that once the hubs gets home, we won't see another thing in this house, leading him to believe that I make all this up!  Because that's the way they roll- these unwanted house guest of mine and mine alone it seems.  Cooler weather cannot get here soon enough as far as I am concerned! Bring it on so these critters can go hide for awhile. 

Sleepiness!

I did something today that I don't do as often as I should!  I actually took a nap while the kids were napping!  To say that I have been sleep deprived here lately is a severe understatement.  I just do not sleep well while the hubs is gone.  So 2 am tends to be my bedtime these days.  After getting up with my son multiple times in the night most nights from his anxiety issues he is having, 7 am comes extremely early for this mommy!  I am dragging for most of the day.  Not to mention how grumpy I have been.  My patience level has bottomed out and I have to make some changes.  This no sleep business is wearing on me and it is really showing in my appearance as well.  So today I took a nap.  And it felt soooo good!  We have an extremely busy time ahead of us as we are very quickly approaching our departure date for Japan and I know I will need every ounce of energy I can muster to make it through the chaos.  Still no news on the hubs return but we have been told that our orders to Japan still stand.  So the next plan of action is to do my best to get more sleep  and gain more patience!  If not, it's going to be a long, hard, bumpy road for all of us 

Happy Birthday!!

        Happy Birthday to my big man "ROO"!!!



He had such a great day too!  This little guy has forever changed my life!  He is such an amazing person and has the biggest heart of any kid I know!  He makes me laugh, he melts my heart, and he keeps me humble.  I couldn't ask for anything more!  I love you buddy!  You make my world go round!

Memories

This morning I cracked open a jar of my Granny's homemade pickles that my cousin made.  I have had this jar of pickles sitting on my counter since May and have been holding onto them, not wanting to open them just yet.  You see my Granny past away 10 years ago, I miss her so much!  There is always something that reminds me of her and warms my heart.  So my cousin used my Granny's canning recipe for her pickles and brought them to our family reunion for everyone to enjoy.  I was lucky enough to walk away with my one lone jar.  I knew once I opened them that I would have to eat them within a fair amount of time or else they would go bad.  Eating them was not the problem, it was the problem of once they were gone!  With the very first bite of one, I was instantly flooded with memories of my sister, cousin and I standing over my Granny's pickling crock and sneaking pickles before they were ready!  We LOVED them!  She would always catch us and shoo us away with her dish towel.  I was taken back to that moment including the smells, sounds, and laughter as I bit into that delicious pickle.  Granny's pickles were always a side dish with almost every meal during the summer, along with home grown tomatoes.  She was a fantastic cook and all of her meals were made from scratch and with the most love in the world.  What I would do now for one of Granny's home cooked, made from scratch meals!!  Something I will never get to enjoy again.  So I am cherishing this little jar of amazing pickles.  Every. Last. One!

Guilty!!

Today is one of those days where I feel that I am not good enough to be my children's mommy!  The mommy guilt has set in hard.  I guess I have just reached a point in this deployment where I am so beyond tired of always being the bad guy when it comes to discipline, I'm tired of going to bed alone every night, I'm tired of keeping a clean house by myself, tired of being "on" 24/7, and as heartless as this may make me sound, I am tired of always putting on a happy face with my kids everytime they have an emotional breakdown missing daddy!  I am just TIRED!!  I miss "daddy" too!  I want him home so that our family can return to the way it should be.  With most deployments you have an end in sight, a date of return to help you cope and look forward to.  Well that is not the case this time around, we have no end in sight as of current and no date to help push us through.  That makes it even harder.  I mark days off the calendar every night but it just seems so pointless.  What exactly am I counting down to?  I don't know!  Our lives are literally up in the air at this point.  Yes, we are scheduled to move to Japan but even that is questionable right now.  I can handle a few things in my life being up in the air but to have your entire life up in the air is an entirely different thing!  I am wearing thin and it is showing with each passing day in how I handle my children and their behavior.  It isn't fair to them, they deserve the best and right now I am failing them miserably!  I am feeling guilty and beating myself up about it.  This deployment has officially brought out the ugly in me and I hate it!!  I am over it!  And yes I am throwing my own tantrum of sorts right now but I am entitled to it every once in a while.  This mommy needs a break like something fierce!  Ok rant over, now time to go put on my running shoes and blow off some steam! Whew!

Birthday Bash!

So now that I have seen my friend off and have gotten settled from her visit, it is time to post about my birthday celebration!  I am so glad she made the trip to make my birthday week so special!  We had a really great visit!  I decided that since I was turning the dreaded 30 this year that I might as well embrace it and make the best of it.  I opted to do a restaurant tasting tour of sorts with some of my best girlfriends.  I reserved a limo for the evening.  We were picked up at my house and made some stops along the way to pick up the rest of the crew.  From there we had appetizers at a place called Persimmons right on the water,  dinner at a place called Morgans, and we had reservations for desserts at a place called The Chelsea.  We never made it to desserts because time got away from us and it got too late.  So we had birthday cake and after dinner drinks at a Martini Bar called Mesh instead.  It was a great evening with wonderful company and a fabulous way to celebrate my big day.  We laughed, ate way to much food, had a "Mascot" for the evening, and enjoyed a few cocktails as well!  Fun was had by all and I could not have asked for a better birthday!! 

Busy week!!

It is going to be a busy week this week!  I started it off with having to renew my drivers liscense because well you see a certain someone just might be entering her 3rd decade of life and my licence expired!  I got just as nervous about having to take the stinkin driving test all over again as I used to get in college before finals!  Turns out, I didn't even have to take the test, yay!  Tomorrow happens to be the big day and one of my very dear friends is coming to visit me from Chattanooga for the week!  I am so excited to see her.  We have no definate plans while she is here other than my big birthday bash on Friday.  It is going to be a great time!!  I have the normal everyday errands to run and kiddos off to preschool, breakfast dates to attend, and pictures to be made of my punk punk!  I love busy weeks!  They help the time pass and just brings me closer to my hubs homecoming.  Each day gets an X marked through it, I need that visual!  Stay tuned for a post on my big birthday bash!  There is fun to be had for sure!!  'Til next time. . .   

Remembering

My emotions are high today and are a tad overwelming as I sit and watch the ceremonies marking the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.  I finally just had to turn the tv off.  I think it is important to be reminded of what we lost that day and I never want to NOT see it on our televisions for that would mean that we have forgotten.  But I don't have it in me to relive those feelings all over again today.  I am missing my husband terribly as this day marks the whole reason he isn't home with his family.  Maybe that is selfish of me to not want to feel those feelings again.  I have had tear filled eyes all day and trying to explain the reason to my 3 and 2 year olds has proven challenging at best .  I tried telling them that today is a sad day for so many people and that is the reason that daddy has to be gone.  I know they don't understand but one day they will.  I vividly remember where I was and what I was doing when our lives as Americans changed.  I have no words that could describe my gratitude and appreciation for all of the Heroes that were that day.  So on today as I sit remembering the fear, sadness, shock, and confusion of 9/11 I just want to say thank you to all of them for the sacrifices they made and the sacrifices still being made on the behalf of our freedom and safety!  You will NEVER be forgotten, ALWAYS remembered!

Girlfriends make the world go round!

I just had an amazing weekend visiting with my 2 best friends!  One came down from Virginia and the other lives a town over but it is the rare occassion that we are all able to get together at once.  I love reminiscing about college days and laughing until tears are rolling down your face!  There are few people in my life that I feel completely comfortable around that I can totally be myself and not have a care in the world and these girls are 2 of them!  It was a breath of fresh air for me to have that release and much needed adult conversation!  We may or may not have enjoyed a few cocktails and partaken in some school girl gossip talk!   And I would be lying if I said I wasn't little embarrassed to put my recylcing bin out on the curb this week with all of the clanking wine bottles!  It was nice putting the kiddos to bed and pouring ourselves a glass of wine and hitting the pool for a few laps too.  It was just a very relaxing weekend and just what I needed after the past week I had!  They took me to dinner for my birthday even though it is a few weeks away and we cooked dinner together while our kiddos played and had their own fun the others evenings.  Friendships like this are hard to come by these days and I don't take it for granted.  It is weekends like this that I am truly going to miss once we move to Japan.  Where I love meeting new people and making new friends, there is something to be said for old friendships that have such a history and continue to grow year after year regardless of the changes life throws us along the way!  I love my girls!!  Thanks for saving me from my own insanity this week!

  

Happy Anniversary!!

Today is mine and my husband's 5 year anniversary!!  I am so honored to call him my husband and blessed that he chose to take me as his wife!  We have had so much fun these past 5 years and I cannot wait to see what the lifetime ahead of us holds as well.  We have moved 3 times, had 3 kids, lost 2 babies, and spent more months apart than I care to count.  We have laughed, cried, teased, flirted, ruffled feathers, but one things for sure, we have LOVED with all of our beings!  Happy Anniversary to my best friend, lover, and soul mate!  I love you babe!!  Here's to growing gray and wrinkled together!

                                                                    5 years ago today