Upset

I have about a million things I want to blog about but right now I just need to get something off my chest.  I do not know what has happened to me.  I used to pride myself on having the patience of an angel.  Now I lose my patience at the drop of a hat.  I feel like I cannot control the frustration that builds in me and then all of a sudden I just snap.  I HATE this!  I have tears streaming down my face as I type this.  I don't know why I feel this way.  I don't know if it is pregnancy hormones, stress.  I don't know.  We have been through a lot these last few months.  Reuniting with my husband after a long 7 month deployment, packing up our house in preparation for our move, living out of suitcases for 2 1/2 months essentially homeless, making the long trip tp Japan, finding out we are expecting baby #4, emercing ourselves in a completely different culture and trying to get settled at our new home here in Okinawa.  I am pretty sure that list includes a lot of the top life stressors.  I just feel this pressure to always be strong for my family, to always stay calm, cool and collected.  I am never allowed to vent my stress or frustrations or at least I feel that way.  My children have been absolutely terrible behavior wise and sleeping wise since we landed here.  I am trying to be understanding that they are experiencing a lot of changes right now, their worlds as they have always known  them to be have been turned upside down.  But sometimes I just want them to freaking do what they are told period!  I rarely had this problem before this move and now they can't seem to listen or do anything I tell them to do the first time they are told.  Sleeping it beyond ridiculous!  All of my children have been amazing sleepers and have been since they were all 2 months old.  Since arriving here, they don't seem to know what sleep is.  They are refusing to nap which leads to extremely fussy and whiny children for the majority of the day.  I get to tired of hearing blood curdling screams from my middle one over the most minor things, my youngest has been have an awful go of teething since before we left the states and it continues even now.  My husband is extremely helpful in all areas of the house so I will not complain about him at all.  However, he has no idea what it means to be with our children 24/7 with no breaks, listening to the unending whining, crying, and the battling to get them to do anything.  He gets his sane hours from it all, he goes to work everyday from 7-5ish and then he gets to come home and be fun, super dad who is really quick to give them a treat without asking me how their day has gone and then he runs off to the gym for an hour or more every evening as well.  Where is my break from the insanity?!  And no, going to the grocery store with no kids doesn't count, that is something that has to be done. 

Anyway, I just don't want my lack of patience and emotions right now to affect my relationship with my children!  I love them more than anything in this world!  I just feel like I am the worst mommy ever and I can't seem to fix it.  This all came about with this last deployment and it seems I can't run away from it.  Kind of a sucky post but I had to get these feelings out somewhere.  I promise more appealing post coming very soon.  I just need to get myself together right now.

Sleepiness!

I did something today that I don't do as often as I should!  I actually took a nap while the kids were napping!  To say that I have been sleep deprived here lately is a severe understatement.  I just do not sleep well while the hubs is gone.  So 2 am tends to be my bedtime these days.  After getting up with my son multiple times in the night most nights from his anxiety issues he is having, 7 am comes extremely early for this mommy!  I am dragging for most of the day.  Not to mention how grumpy I have been.  My patience level has bottomed out and I have to make some changes.  This no sleep business is wearing on me and it is really showing in my appearance as well.  So today I took a nap.  And it felt soooo good!  We have an extremely busy time ahead of us as we are very quickly approaching our departure date for Japan and I know I will need every ounce of energy I can muster to make it through the chaos.  Still no news on the hubs return but we have been told that our orders to Japan still stand.  So the next plan of action is to do my best to get more sleep  and gain more patience!  If not, it's going to be a long, hard, bumpy road for all of us 

Guilty!!

Today is one of those days where I feel that I am not good enough to be my children's mommy!  The mommy guilt has set in hard.  I guess I have just reached a point in this deployment where I am so beyond tired of always being the bad guy when it comes to discipline, I'm tired of going to bed alone every night, I'm tired of keeping a clean house by myself, tired of being "on" 24/7, and as heartless as this may make me sound, I am tired of always putting on a happy face with my kids everytime they have an emotional breakdown missing daddy!  I am just TIRED!!  I miss "daddy" too!  I want him home so that our family can return to the way it should be.  With most deployments you have an end in sight, a date of return to help you cope and look forward to.  Well that is not the case this time around, we have no end in sight as of current and no date to help push us through.  That makes it even harder.  I mark days off the calendar every night but it just seems so pointless.  What exactly am I counting down to?  I don't know!  Our lives are literally up in the air at this point.  Yes, we are scheduled to move to Japan but even that is questionable right now.  I can handle a few things in my life being up in the air but to have your entire life up in the air is an entirely different thing!  I am wearing thin and it is showing with each passing day in how I handle my children and their behavior.  It isn't fair to them, they deserve the best and right now I am failing them miserably!  I am feeling guilty and beating myself up about it.  This deployment has officially brought out the ugly in me and I hate it!!  I am over it!  And yes I am throwing my own tantrum of sorts right now but I am entitled to it every once in a while.  This mommy needs a break like something fierce!  Ok rant over, now time to go put on my running shoes and blow off some steam! Whew!