Sleepiness!

I did something today that I don't do as often as I should!  I actually took a nap while the kids were napping!  To say that I have been sleep deprived here lately is a severe understatement.  I just do not sleep well while the hubs is gone.  So 2 am tends to be my bedtime these days.  After getting up with my son multiple times in the night most nights from his anxiety issues he is having, 7 am comes extremely early for this mommy!  I am dragging for most of the day.  Not to mention how grumpy I have been.  My patience level has bottomed out and I have to make some changes.  This no sleep business is wearing on me and it is really showing in my appearance as well.  So today I took a nap.  And it felt soooo good!  We have an extremely busy time ahead of us as we are very quickly approaching our departure date for Japan and I know I will need every ounce of energy I can muster to make it through the chaos.  Still no news on the hubs return but we have been told that our orders to Japan still stand.  So the next plan of action is to do my best to get more sleep  and gain more patience!  If not, it's going to be a long, hard, bumpy road for all of us 

Guilty!!

Today is one of those days where I feel that I am not good enough to be my children's mommy!  The mommy guilt has set in hard.  I guess I have just reached a point in this deployment where I am so beyond tired of always being the bad guy when it comes to discipline, I'm tired of going to bed alone every night, I'm tired of keeping a clean house by myself, tired of being "on" 24/7, and as heartless as this may make me sound, I am tired of always putting on a happy face with my kids everytime they have an emotional breakdown missing daddy!  I am just TIRED!!  I miss "daddy" too!  I want him home so that our family can return to the way it should be.  With most deployments you have an end in sight, a date of return to help you cope and look forward to.  Well that is not the case this time around, we have no end in sight as of current and no date to help push us through.  That makes it even harder.  I mark days off the calendar every night but it just seems so pointless.  What exactly am I counting down to?  I don't know!  Our lives are literally up in the air at this point.  Yes, we are scheduled to move to Japan but even that is questionable right now.  I can handle a few things in my life being up in the air but to have your entire life up in the air is an entirely different thing!  I am wearing thin and it is showing with each passing day in how I handle my children and their behavior.  It isn't fair to them, they deserve the best and right now I am failing them miserably!  I am feeling guilty and beating myself up about it.  This deployment has officially brought out the ugly in me and I hate it!!  I am over it!  And yes I am throwing my own tantrum of sorts right now but I am entitled to it every once in a while.  This mommy needs a break like something fierce!  Ok rant over, now time to go put on my running shoes and blow off some steam! Whew!