Guilty!!

Today is one of those days where I feel that I am not good enough to be my children's mommy!  The mommy guilt has set in hard.  I guess I have just reached a point in this deployment where I am so beyond tired of always being the bad guy when it comes to discipline, I'm tired of going to bed alone every night, I'm tired of keeping a clean house by myself, tired of being "on" 24/7, and as heartless as this may make me sound, I am tired of always putting on a happy face with my kids everytime they have an emotional breakdown missing daddy!  I am just TIRED!!  I miss "daddy" too!  I want him home so that our family can return to the way it should be.  With most deployments you have an end in sight, a date of return to help you cope and look forward to.  Well that is not the case this time around, we have no end in sight as of current and no date to help push us through.  That makes it even harder.  I mark days off the calendar every night but it just seems so pointless.  What exactly am I counting down to?  I don't know!  Our lives are literally up in the air at this point.  Yes, we are scheduled to move to Japan but even that is questionable right now.  I can handle a few things in my life being up in the air but to have your entire life up in the air is an entirely different thing!  I am wearing thin and it is showing with each passing day in how I handle my children and their behavior.  It isn't fair to them, they deserve the best and right now I am failing them miserably!  I am feeling guilty and beating myself up about it.  This deployment has officially brought out the ugly in me and I hate it!!  I am over it!  And yes I am throwing my own tantrum of sorts right now but I am entitled to it every once in a while.  This mommy needs a break like something fierce!  Ok rant over, now time to go put on my running shoes and blow off some steam! Whew!