Guilty!!

Today is one of those days where I feel that I am not good enough to be my children's mommy!  The mommy guilt has set in hard.  I guess I have just reached a point in this deployment where I am so beyond tired of always being the bad guy when it comes to discipline, I'm tired of going to bed alone every night, I'm tired of keeping a clean house by myself, tired of being "on" 24/7, and as heartless as this may make me sound, I am tired of always putting on a happy face with my kids everytime they have an emotional breakdown missing daddy!  I am just TIRED!!  I miss "daddy" too!  I want him home so that our family can return to the way it should be.  With most deployments you have an end in sight, a date of return to help you cope and look forward to.  Well that is not the case this time around, we have no end in sight as of current and no date to help push us through.  That makes it even harder.  I mark days off the calendar every night but it just seems so pointless.  What exactly am I counting down to?  I don't know!  Our lives are literally up in the air at this point.  Yes, we are scheduled to move to Japan but even that is questionable right now.  I can handle a few things in my life being up in the air but to have your entire life up in the air is an entirely different thing!  I am wearing thin and it is showing with each passing day in how I handle my children and their behavior.  It isn't fair to them, they deserve the best and right now I am failing them miserably!  I am feeling guilty and beating myself up about it.  This deployment has officially brought out the ugly in me and I hate it!!  I am over it!  And yes I am throwing my own tantrum of sorts right now but I am entitled to it every once in a while.  This mommy needs a break like something fierce!  Ok rant over, now time to go put on my running shoes and blow off some steam! Whew!

Birthday Bash!

So now that I have seen my friend off and have gotten settled from her visit, it is time to post about my birthday celebration!  I am so glad she made the trip to make my birthday week so special!  We had a really great visit!  I decided that since I was turning the dreaded 30 this year that I might as well embrace it and make the best of it.  I opted to do a restaurant tasting tour of sorts with some of my best girlfriends.  I reserved a limo for the evening.  We were picked up at my house and made some stops along the way to pick up the rest of the crew.  From there we had appetizers at a place called Persimmons right on the water,  dinner at a place called Morgans, and we had reservations for desserts at a place called The Chelsea.  We never made it to desserts because time got away from us and it got too late.  So we had birthday cake and after dinner drinks at a Martini Bar called Mesh instead.  It was a great evening with wonderful company and a fabulous way to celebrate my big day.  We laughed, ate way to much food, had a "Mascot" for the evening, and enjoyed a few cocktails as well!  Fun was had by all and I could not have asked for a better birthday!! 

Busy week!!

It is going to be a busy week this week!  I started it off with having to renew my drivers liscense because well you see a certain someone just might be entering her 3rd decade of life and my licence expired!  I got just as nervous about having to take the stinkin driving test all over again as I used to get in college before finals!  Turns out, I didn't even have to take the test, yay!  Tomorrow happens to be the big day and one of my very dear friends is coming to visit me from Chattanooga for the week!  I am so excited to see her.  We have no definate plans while she is here other than my big birthday bash on Friday.  It is going to be a great time!!  I have the normal everyday errands to run and kiddos off to preschool, breakfast dates to attend, and pictures to be made of my punk punk!  I love busy weeks!  They help the time pass and just brings me closer to my hubs homecoming.  Each day gets an X marked through it, I need that visual!  Stay tuned for a post on my big birthday bash!  There is fun to be had for sure!!  'Til next time. . .   

Remembering

My emotions are high today and are a tad overwelming as I sit and watch the ceremonies marking the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.  I finally just had to turn the tv off.  I think it is important to be reminded of what we lost that day and I never want to NOT see it on our televisions for that would mean that we have forgotten.  But I don't have it in me to relive those feelings all over again today.  I am missing my husband terribly as this day marks the whole reason he isn't home with his family.  Maybe that is selfish of me to not want to feel those feelings again.  I have had tear filled eyes all day and trying to explain the reason to my 3 and 2 year olds has proven challenging at best .  I tried telling them that today is a sad day for so many people and that is the reason that daddy has to be gone.  I know they don't understand but one day they will.  I vividly remember where I was and what I was doing when our lives as Americans changed.  I have no words that could describe my gratitude and appreciation for all of the Heroes that were that day.  So on today as I sit remembering the fear, sadness, shock, and confusion of 9/11 I just want to say thank you to all of them for the sacrifices they made and the sacrifices still being made on the behalf of our freedom and safety!  You will NEVER be forgotten, ALWAYS remembered!

Girlfriends make the world go round!

I just had an amazing weekend visiting with my 2 best friends!  One came down from Virginia and the other lives a town over but it is the rare occassion that we are all able to get together at once.  I love reminiscing about college days and laughing until tears are rolling down your face!  There are few people in my life that I feel completely comfortable around that I can totally be myself and not have a care in the world and these girls are 2 of them!  It was a breath of fresh air for me to have that release and much needed adult conversation!  We may or may not have enjoyed a few cocktails and partaken in some school girl gossip talk!   And I would be lying if I said I wasn't little embarrassed to put my recylcing bin out on the curb this week with all of the clanking wine bottles!  It was nice putting the kiddos to bed and pouring ourselves a glass of wine and hitting the pool for a few laps too.  It was just a very relaxing weekend and just what I needed after the past week I had!  They took me to dinner for my birthday even though it is a few weeks away and we cooked dinner together while our kiddos played and had their own fun the others evenings.  Friendships like this are hard to come by these days and I don't take it for granted.  It is weekends like this that I am truly going to miss once we move to Japan.  Where I love meeting new people and making new friends, there is something to be said for old friendships that have such a history and continue to grow year after year regardless of the changes life throws us along the way!  I love my girls!!  Thanks for saving me from my own insanity this week!

  

Happy Anniversary!!

Today is mine and my husband's 5 year anniversary!!  I am so honored to call him my husband and blessed that he chose to take me as his wife!  We have had so much fun these past 5 years and I cannot wait to see what the lifetime ahead of us holds as well.  We have moved 3 times, had 3 kids, lost 2 babies, and spent more months apart than I care to count.  We have laughed, cried, teased, flirted, ruffled feathers, but one things for sure, we have LOVED with all of our beings!  Happy Anniversary to my best friend, lover, and soul mate!  I love you babe!!  Here's to growing gray and wrinkled together!

                                                                    5 years ago today

Hurricane Irene

Well we evacuated for Hurricane Irene last Thursday and we just got home and settled after the storm.  I was hesitant to leave at first because it is a lot of work to pack up your irreplacebles and all the "stuff" you need for yourself and 3 little ones.  If I didn't have to, I didn't want to.  But since returning home, I am very thankful we left.  We came home to a mess!  It could have been much, much worse but it was enough.  I had my moment of feeling extremely overwelmed when I drove down my road and began to see the destruction so close to home.  I had a since of relief as I pulled into my driveway and it appearred that things weren't so bad.  Then I had another moment of being overewelmed as I entered my backyard and saw more damage than first perceived.  I let a few tears stream down my face as I looked around and had so many thoughts rushing through my head at once.  I hadn't even entered my house yet to assess the situation inside.  One of my fears while gone was that my house would have some flooding.  I pulled myself together because the kids were already feeling the stress of the whole situation and they didn't need to see me upset.  I gave myself those few seconds to feel the emotions of the moment and then slowly began to wrap my head around what needed to be done and had to stop my thoughts from thinking too far ahead.  I needed to handle things one step at a time.  I left the kiddos in the car while I went to check things out first.  I just wanted to be sure that there were no broken windows (glass) or standing water anywhere that might be harmful to the kids.  I was relieved once again as I realized there was no flooding or broken windows and there didn't seem to be any damage to the inside of the house.  I brought the kids inside and cleaned up the water in the floor from the freezer and fridge and then worked my way upstairs.  I walked into my bedroom and noticed right away that I had a massive leak in my roof and my ceiling was a drooping, sagging mess.  That feeling of dread and overwelm returned yet again.  I came down stairs and called the only person I could think to call to help me.  I needed to deal with my roof first because we had more thunderstorms rolling in at that very moment.  He was a retired Marine that used to work with my husband and he came over immediately to help tarp my roof until I could get ahold of my insurance company for repairs.  It is funny how a simple tarp could bring me so much relief and make me feel so much better right away.  Within an hour of returning home my cell phone was blowing up with people calling to offer their help. 

It makes me so proud to be a part of this community, this military community, that have been here helping me any way they can.  The spouses have pulled together, been there for each other emotionally and physically from start to finish in this whole ordeal.  We were all making phone calls to make sure everyone was paired with someone and had the help they needed from the preparations to the leaving town and through the returning home and clean up efforts.  We made sure everyone was accounted for and safe and have been one another's support system even as I type this.  To know that we didn't have to go this alone was more than I can say!  As we drove back home we made stops at one another's homes to access the damages and take care of things that needed immediate attention before moving on to the next home.  To have someone there as I pulled in my driveway and had my mini meltdown in the backyard to assure me that I could do this and handle it all was exactly what I needed to keep my wits about me.  For that I am so incredibly thankful!  I have had a spouse staying at my house for the past few days as we waited on power to be turned back on and to have her help with kiddos and get dinner prepared as I made numerous phone calls to my insurance company and family makes me swell with emotions! 

I have trees down all over my property, one in my pool, one over my fence, my fence gone, my deck busted, a massive leak in my roof (a brand new roof mind you), and some structural damage as my back door will not close or latch or lock and is sitting lopsided.  But I have power, my house is still standing, and I have 3 beautiful, happy, healthy babies that have been a nice distraction from the stress of the situation and an amazing husband who is doing his darnest to be that support and help that I need from the other side of the world!  The rest is just stuff.  And that is all that matters.  There are plenty of others around me right now that cannot say all that I mentioned and that breaks my heart to pieces!  Tomorrow is my husband and I's anniversary and I literally just had a knock on the door from the FedEx man.  My husband sent me diamond earrings with the sweetest message ever!  I am a blubbering mess right now.  I think the stress of the past week just hit!  It is moments like this, after holding my babies and reassuring them that everything will/is ok that I wish I had my husband here to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok.  Being strong and "on" 24/7 is exhausting and I think I need the day off.  I will think about all the rest tomorrow!  We will be ok and we will come out of this on top, that I do know.  It will just be a little bumpy along the way.